Monday, May 28, 2012

2 days till the band comes out

I having been trying to write this post for days ... So I have thought long and hard about this band and the last 2 years
and today is the day it comes out ...

Do I feel like a failure ?
In someways sure I know I could have done things differently. Then on the other hand I think I gave it a pretty good go.

This time last year I was in the America feeling skinny having a awesome holiday weight 107kg today I checked into the hospital at 131kg . I was speechless at the numbers, 2kg high then the day I arrived here for my Lapband 2 years 3 months ago. I also had a flash back to feeling 107kg feeling dizzy, dehydrated, constantly nervous in social situations regular pb's and some times  vomiting blood. I think I vomited almost everyday for the last 12 months. The abdo wall irritation is constant now where the tubing runs.

What does this all mean ? Where to from now? It's pretty clear that I need help. My  relationships feel chaotic and I am reminded of the stats about relationship failure that I read in the beginning of this. Do relationships struggle when lapbands work well and when they fail ? There is glimmers of hope but they all centre around me taking charge of my life and making some changes starting with removing the lapband.

Terrified to get it out and be on my own but more terrified about not being an active participant in my life...

Am I doing the right thing I'll never know ... Well maybe I will only time will tell  ...

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