Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The walk of shame ...

I have gained and not just a bit but a lot.... Straight off the back of a long plateau here I am 18 months post band and I've gained...

I bite the bullet made an appointment with my doctor and did the walk into his office weighing 7kg heavier then when I last walked in there... and that time I had gained 6kg so I am 12kg up and I am so ashamed of it!  I've had no restriction for at least 2 month and have been eating anything and everything really.  I missed 2 appointments with my doctor in between all of this, and this is where we are at.

2011 has thrown all it's punches at me surely... its been a hell of a year. My head and heart has been everywhere but on my journey.. I have felt so detached from myself and my journey this last 8 months putting all my energy into the shambles around me.

In summary the events that have happened are mostly to do with my family. My beloved Grandmother died a hugely emotional time for me and my family and whilst I know she had lived her best life, my heart still aches and I miss her. 3 days after her death my Mother was diagnosed with metastatic liver cancer, there is no treatment and no cure its a slow rare cancer that's actually an endocrine cancer, they can only treat the symptoms it could be fast it could be slow no one can tell us. My mum is now off ticking off her bucket list visiting Europe with her entourage of medications to make her as well as possible she wont be back for 3 months!!! I miss her a lot... Today my Dad was told he has cancer.. we don't know all the information yet but its not looking good... On top of this I injured my shoulder at work I've been off work on workers comp for the last 3 weeks its such a hard process I am racked with guilt about not being at work, letting my team down and the patients I look after. I am also dealing with an injury that's is so painful and affecting every part of my life.

So its clear I am an emotional eater... I just want to sooth my aching heart and sad self with food... but look where it has gotten me... the walk of shame is no place I want to be.

SO .... whats the plan Man??!!///!?!?!?!?

After the walk of shame yesterday I got up today with motivation and drive to turn this situation around... I was doing so well till 2pm when my Dad told me his news.. in fact I continued to have a good day I didn't eat anything terrible .. I had my shakes brekkie and lunch. I had grilled chicken and salad for dinner and 3 squares of chocolate with a latte after..  I surprised myself with how well I did... Do I feel like giving up ? giving in?? lying on the floor and crying like a baby.. yep I totally do.. yet to the outside world I'll continue to be bulletproof... and somewhere I am going to find some strength to focus on my journey and be the best I can!

Now all my whinging out the way...

After a long hard look at myself, my goals, my plans and my health... It's back to basics for me..

Small meals, chewing, no fluid with meals.. not sure where my restriction is at but back to doc in 2 weeks to check it out..

I am back on shakes brekkie and lunch and low carb dinner, 2L of water and some fruit or a high fibre snack if I need it.

I am also pledging to blog this journey to sort the things going on around me here.. and I don't mind if no one reads this...  the most important thing is to keep blogging away and keeping it real so that no more walks of shame happen!!!

Thank you for listening blog xx


Fluffy said...

All I can say is "wow". Those are life altering events for you and your family and my heart goes out to all of you. I find myself saying this a lot, but I think it's important that you are very kind to yourself right now. Look at you taking control! You went in and you got a fill and are taking care of you! Important (and hard) stuff at the best of times. As far as work, I can tell you are dedicated and hard working. The traits that are a wonderful asset for the place you work, but can be detrimental at times to you as an individual (guilt feelings). You're hurt. You need to heal and that takes time. Hang in there!

Michelle said...

you can do it....